Break Me

[Jess3rka]

I am your bad habit,
The one you wish you could break,
While you're driving 90 on the highway,
And lighting a menthol between your lips.

I wrap you in black bands,
Ones that make it so hard to breathe.
Constricting your chest and never releasing,
Until you admit you love me,
And are willing to take me in.

I'll squeeze you blind,
When you wish you could see.
I'll scream you deaf,
When all I did was try to hear.
My pain will transfer to your body,
And you'll be an embodiment of my sorrow.

On the inside I?ll just be me.
No more lies,
Or masks,
Or hints at what would have been.

I've tried to copy the cross,
Instead I always end up falling.
Falling slowly while I try to fly.
And when my hair falls in my eyes,
I?m left wiping my tears away
With the wayward strands.
Just hoping some day I?ll be fine.
And all the while you're wishing...
You could just
break
me.

[Hannibal]

Welcome to the board.
Glad your found your way here...
First off, this piece is good!
Better than some first posts by people on here (okay, maybe just my first poems on here),
but still... pretty good
I only found problems with it because it seemed sometimes, you were going into detail that seemed careless and unneeded while at other times, you were leaving out details that should've been brought to attention.
For example

I?m left wiping my tears away
With the wayward strands.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">With the wayward strands didn't seem necessary, and took away from my feel while reading the peice.
Nice work though, and continue posting!

[sarafina mable]

welcome! its so great to have a new poster!
i really liked this piece, the ending was beautiful. i like the cirles you kinda drew with words that brought the entire piece to one idea at the end.
the only part that was distracting to me was the multiple uses of falling or to fall in the last stanza, here:
"Instead I always end up falling.
Falling slowly while I try to fly.
And when my hair falls in my eyes,"
i think its an important aspect of this section, but i would sugguest to use another word in the third line at least; then again, maybe i'm just neurotic

[Hannibal]

Glad you finally admitted to being nuerotic [img]wink.gif[/img]
But your a regular so we love you...
*group hug*
.... okay... that was basically a hug from me... cuz no one ever posts anymore, boo. [img]frown.gif[/img]

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 12, 2004 11:01 PM: Message edited by: Hannibal ]</font>

[sarafina mable]

i believe my exact words were 'maybe i'm nuerotic' [img]smile.gif[/img] but i'll accept the group hug anyways! (even though its just us here basically! [img]frown.gif[/img]

[Hannibal]

That means I can't grab your ass and blame it on "that other guy"
lol, DAMN! foiled again!

[Fliptastic29]

You can grab my ass if you'd like. I'm still here just not as often. By the way this poem was pretty good i have a good feeling that your next will be even better. Keep up the good work and keep posting [img]smile.gif[/img]

[Hannibal]

Oh flip, your ass is so perfect.
Women adore it, men hate it, ... I'd grab it if i could [img]wink.gif[/img]

[Fliptastic29]

i Know [img]biggrin.gif[/img]